Why People Pleasers Attract Toxic People
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
People pleasers go out of their way to make others happy, and many times do not see how this life-long behavior is impacting their own well being.
They put their own needs and desires on the back burner, over time resulting in frustration, disappointment, resentment, and even burnout.
Wanting others to be happy and feel important is a positive quality, but it can go too far, leading to ignoring harmful or manipulative behaviors in others, resulting in negative consequences. One of those consequences is allowing people to take advantage of your “niceness,” leaving you feeling powerless, helpless, and with diminished self esteem.
People pleasers put other’s wants and needs ahead of their own.
They sacrifice their own time and energy almost without fail, even when they’re exhausted themselves. They go out of their way to be liked and accepted. They do crazy things to keep others happy. They avoid conflict in order to not rock the boat.
These behaviors make people pleasers extremely vulnerable. Toxic people play on this vulnerability because they know they’ll get their way.They tend to feed off the “energy” that this control gives them.
I know from my own experience that these people pleasing behaviors caused me to overlook and accept extremely harmful and manipulative behaviors from others.
One situation was a marriage that turned emotionally and mentally abusive. So this information is from the research and therapy I did to heal, as well as my own experience of living through it.
Toxic people are individuals who display manipulative, controlling, and abusive behaviors in their relationships. They seek out people pleasers because the people pleaser is more vulnerable to their tactics and more likely to comply with their erratic, inconsistent, and controlling behavior.
“Because feeling needed is mistaken for being loved, they [people pleasers] experience a wealth of distorted ‘love’ in relationships with narcissists.”
Here are 5 common behaviors of people pleasers that make them a target for a toxic person.
I had all of these behaviors and know that each one contributed to me ending up in more than one toxic relationship.
At the time, I couldn’t figure out how someone so “nice” like me could end up in this situation.
(Note: toxic relationships do not apply only to intimate relationships.)
1 — Putting other’s needs before their own
I was taught that others come first, so it was natural to accept another’s opinion or wants above my own. What was confusing for me was why someone who cared for me would treat me so poorly. I didn’t understand at the time that just because I wouldn’t act in a certain way doesn’t mean everyone else has that same barometer.
2 — Difficulty saying no
I had a really hard time saying “no” even when I didn’t want to do something. My fear was disappointing someone and I was certain that saying “no” would result in that. So I avoided that discomfort at all costs, causing me to say “yes” when I knew it would be best to say ‘no.’ Toxic people love knowing they won’t be disobeyed.
3 — Fear of conflict
I learned to be a peacekeeper, not rock the boat, and maintain “positive” relationships, even if that meant biting my tongue and not speaking my mind. I would ignore the fact that commitments weren’t kept, justifying it by telling myself ‘he’ll do it tomorrow’ or ‘I misunderstood.’ Not speaking up allows the toxic person to get away with manipulative behavior to control the people pleaser.
4 — Need for approval
I wanted to be liked and accepted, and I allowed myself to be controlled through flattery and gifts because I saw these things as forms of love. This is called “love bombing” when words and objects are used to put the other person up on a pedestal, and make the person feel special and loved. It’s a form of control.
5 — Lack of boundaries
Going back to wanting to keep other people happy and not wanting to disappoint someone, I had a difficult time setting and enforcing boundaries. I thought someone who cared for me would not take advantage of me. But a toxic person typically has no boundaries of their own, and has a very strong sense of entitlement, making it easy for them to violate another person’s boundaries.
If you have people-pleasing behaviors, it’s imperative to explore these as it may be impacting your life in ways you aren’t even aware.
I can guarantee it’s affecting your self esteem.
People pleasing is actually a behavior that comes from childhood beliefs that run deep.
Beliefs that you weren’t good enough, you needed to be perfect to be liked, or that you might be rejected if you did something wrong.
These beliefs turn into fears and lead to a pattern of putting everyone else before you… of trying to make everyone happy. You may not even realize where the pattern is coming from, you just feel the frustration of living the same thing over and over again. Exploring these beliefs and patterns with someone who’s been there is important.
Are you ready make sure your needs are met? To set healthy boundaries with confidence?
As a coach, my passion is helping you see the patterns you’re living, what these patterns are costing you, and then guiding you to break free of the patterns so that you build all your relationships (including the one with yourself) on respect and trust.
It all starts with hoping on a quick call: Click here to schedule.
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